Wednesday, May 20, 2009

No Map

When my boyfriends and I broke up up this April we discussed the potential of all of us continuing to live in the same apartment. As ridiculous as this sounds at first blush three factors gave us very high hopes for successful cohabitation; first of all i have my own room, second we are very good friends, and third we share friends (a former couple) that broke up not to long ago and they continue to live together and be best friends (it seems very happily). Ultimately we  agreed to give it to the end of this month (May) to feel it out with the agreement that we would be 'extremely careful with each others feelings.' I was super excited, because i love these men, and we have built a home together. I don't think anyplace that i've shared with another person has ever felt like home before. And even though I don't think our marriage (and it felt like a marriage, even though i know it wasn't) makes a lot of sense any more, I still love them and this is still my home.

But I'm not sure that it's working out. My ex has not been what i would consider to be 'extremely careful.' It's not that i think he's going out of his way to be disrespectful... but if i had done some of the things to him that he's done to me in the last few week he would flip his shit. I'm not even that mad, its not like we set down specific rules to follow, i guess i just didn't expect our definitions of 'extremely careful with each others feelings,' to be so far apart.  It's days like these i really wish my life came with a rule book, or a set of instructions, or map to tell me how to get from infancy to old age. Fuck, I'd settle for a diagram on the back of a cocktail napkin.

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