Thursday, October 8, 2009

A Man of Two Vices

I am essentially a man of two vices, the first being marijuana. It occurs to me, with my third anniversery of moving to San Francisco aproaching at break neck speed, that if you have met me since i've moved here you have probably never seen me sober. In fact i'm sure there is a good chunk of you people who have never seen me without a pipe or a bong in my hand. I hit the bong first thing when i wake up in the morning, and again on my way out the door to work. I smoke on my lunch breaks, and right when i get home. I smoke before i go out. I smoke when i stay in. To quote that great SoCal poet, Bradley Nowell, 'I smoke two joints before i smoke two joints, and then i smoke two more,' I've pretty much been stoned since 2005.

My other vice is guys. Way before i discovered the joys of the lady Mary Jane i discovered the high of being desired by other men. The heady thrills of the chase; coy smiles and sideways glances. The dance of bought shots and (often not so) subtle innuendo. Most importanly i figured out that i could take all of my insecurities, my fear and self doubt, all my pain and confussion and just... let it go, if only for the time it took me to shudder and cum. I could learned how to quiet the voices. So here i am now, and I don't really remember the last time I didn't have a guy or two in my life. Guys to chase and be chased by. Guys to measure myself against and subsume myself into. Guys to distract myself with, and lose myself in... I have been in one relationship or another for literally the last eight years.

I've been wondering lately who i am when i'm not stoned and i'm not trying to conquer some new man. Who am I when i'm not trying to make some dude happy? When i'm not lost in a fog of waking dreams? Who am I without my crutches? In the last few weeks i've become so hungry to KNOW.

So i'm finding out. I haven't smoked in over 24 hours, and instead of spending my time and energy trying to get laid i'm going to invest in my friends and my art and exploring the City and the Bay Area (i've never been to the east bay!). I'm gonna figure out whats inside me, and maybe it's nothing special, but at least i'll know.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your honesty. Good luck with your journey. I think you'll discover what an amazing person you are just on your own. Maybe another question is, why? What is it deep down that you have been trying to satisfy, escape from, relieve, experience...through mj and guys? (other than the it feels good thing?)